Damn its cold...

I was building the worlds greatest dog house for the worlds greatest German Shepherd when I got to thinking about people from different regions of the United States, in particularly people from Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Ohio. I will begin my extremely accurate and detailed analysis of these states with Wisconsin and Minnesota. I have traveled all over Europe with several people from these states. Also, I have several acquaintances from there. It seems that I only am with these people during cold months. While in Europe it was January, the other friends it was Christmas. I love how these people react when someone makes a comment about the weather, especially the cold here in Indiana. For instance, I would walk in from the freezing cold and say "brrr it is cold outside" probably because it was 10 degrees. Every one of them would respond with a similar response such as, "Cold, its like summer outside. In (enter city of your choice from either state here) it would be -9000 degrees with 89 ft of snow." First off, it obviously isn't that cold in the summer there. Second, it is still cold here and nobody compared it to your god forsaken state. Third, obviously its going to be cold you're the northern most state in the Union and you're right on the fucking lakes. I feel like nobody from Wisconsin or Minnesota have done anything spectacular with their lives so they can only brag about their awful winters and miserable living conditions throughout the cold months. There is another state with terrible winters nearby and it is Michigan. However, Michigan people realize that yes it is Michigan and it will be cold in the winter and everyone knows it is cold so therefore they do not have to compare their piece of shit state with others. If we gave Wisconsin and Minnesota to Canada everyone would benefit. They would bitch about the cold and their fellow Canadians would simply say, "yeah its Canada eh, you're the Florida of Canada eh, quit bitching eh." So they would then have to grow up and find something else to brag about. And possibly the greatest thing to happen would be the loss of Brett Favre to Canada.

Next subject is Ohio. Ohio State fans are douche bags. Everyone from Ohio gets off when Ohio State wins. Furthermore, nobody can ever talk about their favorite university in the presence of an Ohio State fan. You will never win an argument about your school. Every Ohio State fan knows every fact and figure about Ohio State. It legitimately is their porn that they get off to every night. I have, however, found one statement that will eliminate the smiles from most Fuckeyes. Just change your conversation to something with the SEC. They will forever be reminded of their continual defeats by that conference and may even cry.

"Two condoms walk into a bar, they immediately see that it is a gay bar so one looks to the other and says 'looks like we're getting shitfaced tonight.'" Classic from the pig breeder.

Blondes, Brunettes and Red-heads

I have spent my entire life chasing brunettes. I always thought that blondes were just for fun and brunettes are there to marry. However, after being continually let down by brunettes and only having one experience with a blonde I have decided to turn the page on brunettes and jump on the blonde bandwagon. It will be a nice change of pace. Blonde's offer a completely different range of experiences. First, everyone knows they are better in bed. So I am willing to explore a new wide range of sexual exploits. Furthermore, blondes will naturally achieve more in life based solely off their good looks. If you can find a blonde that is intelligent and can cook then she is the perfect woman.
I know what you're thinking, brunettes can pull off the sexy librarian and that behind closed doors freak. But I have experienced that girl and wish to expand my horizons and go for the blondes. Now as far as red-heads my only advice is stay clear. They are mean and crazy. Many have some sort of disability that requires them to be complete bitches.
So I have made up my mind, I will be pursuing blondes. That is until a sexy brunette gives me that special look that says, "I swallow" then I'll be back to brunettes.

"Bitches will be bitches, hoes will be hoes, but nothing will be as pretty as a perfect corn row," The Boilermaker speaking of actual corn rows not the hair style.

Just Wing It

I was having a conversation today with the phoenix (it took quite awhile to come up with that nickname) and realized that I really live my life by the saying, "just wing it." Life is too short to spend it stressing out and worrying about the future. So to combat this I have decided to let life do life and I'm gonna do me. The old Navy dawg still brings up a saying that I quoted to him the day of his graduation party, "don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." And we have to bring up the brilliant quote by the Stifmaister, "live life, get paid, then get laid." Basically, the point of this blog is to get people to relax during the summer months and throughout your entire lives. You can only do so much and the rest will just take care of yourself. And trust me life won't end if you don't perform everything perfectly for everyone. Fuck it, its just life.

"Nobody lives forever"
"You're only as young as the women you feel" the Quaterback

Random peoples problems

So I'm sitting here at handjobs house and after a decent conversation with someone completely random from his instant message account I have come to the conclusion that nobody is happy with their life except me. Everyone has problems and love to bitch about them. However, I am completely content with not giving a shit about things. They complain about their bfs or gfs or ex-fiancees. It is easier to just get a dog or beat random children you see in Walmart. Or better yet order the perfect woman to fulfill all fantasies and then put in the lawn shed until your next fantastic moment. But some people live life from one disappointment to the next but I prefer living beer to beer or vagina to vagina. Life is too short to fill it with hardships. The largest hardship in most peoples lives is unfortunately relationships. I have seen through much observation that people say "I love you" then say "I actually love him more." But fuck it, its just life right (first time i've actually used the title of this blog in an actual blog). So buy a dog or a significant other. Well I'm tired and can not continue this blog do to a lack of ambition.

"The key to happiness is enthusiasm" Dove chocolate quote
"Get paid, get laid, then die, its that easy" Duck hunt

P.S. a marine sniper just called and said he saw my ridiculously outrageous duck hunt score and asked me to train his men.

The beauty of an honest world

The Rockets were in action today and after many insults and put-downs I realized that honesty rocks. Several faithful Rockets commended me for my honesty today after comments such as, "I would rather have a bag of sand play third than you cuz at least I know it will keep a few balls in the infield," and "wow, that could have been the least productive at-bat I've ever seen, striking out to end the game takes considerable skill not to commit suicide after doing it." While some call it mean I call it brutal honesty. Everyone is thinking it and it takes a real friend to put it out there. I appreciate the person who has the balls to actually speak the truth and for those who do you will actually be greatly surprised by the responses. For instance, if a girl asks if she is fat and you say "you were fat 35 pounds ago" I guarantee that someone will laugh at that but most importantly she will realize her bulk and hopefully begin doing something about it and maybe get back into shape. By telling her she is fat you have possibly added 10 years to her life and made her much happier in the end. I like being honest because lies only come back to bite you. So if you live your life by being completely honest you will be rewarded by 70 virgins in the afterlife. I figure if it works for the Muslims it should work for atheists as well.

"The truth shall set you free, unless you tell the truth about killing someone then it will probably land you in prison." Bulldawg

"O how the world turns... Mail order bride from Russia...Ahh what the hell I'll check EBay"

I previously decided I wanted to marry a stripper but have recently decided to amend that decision and ORDER a stripper. Or at least someone with stripper potential. For those not up to date with mail order brides, they are practically modern day sex slaves. Women from foreign countries wish to enter the United States permanently. They desire this so much that they will allow themselves to be ordered from a male to be married to them. You can then put this ordered bride in the closet or work shed for storage until the desired moment. Many don't speak english either so they can't even call the cops on you. Its the perfect relationship.

After almost 35 seconds of research I have found what I believe to be the perfect site. http://www.charmingbrides.com/ I have also decided upon the perfect girl(s). Her name is Anna and Julia and Anastasiya and Marina. They are all Russian and they are all very beautiful. I also appreciate this site http://findherinrussia.com/. These chicks are all gorgeous and make me wonder why everyone doesn't just import a bride from Russia. I never knew how easy it would be to actually order a bride. These sites are kind of insane. But I have definitely found the future love of my life. Her name is Marina, she is 26, 5'10", 121 lbs and from Moscow, Russia. She is a tennis playing, non-smoking Leo with a passion for art, traveling and sports. And I believe that I am the perfect man for her. She requires someone under 40 years old who is understanding, serious, smart and has a sense of humor. I believe I will order her personal telephone number and have very long and serious conversations with her. And possibly someday we will grow close enough to scare me away that I will be forced to divorce her and order a new one named Julia.

"Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."

Fat chicks hiding behind their extremely hot friends

So I was cruising through facebook today and saw several pictures on the home page of several very attractive girls. I knew the names of the girls and knew that they didn't use to look like that. So naturally I was intrigued only to find out that these few girls were still whales and merely put pictures of their hot friends to make themselves seem more attractive. The funny part of these pictures is that the fat, ugly friend was in each of them but whoever took the picture clearly didn't mean for them to take up much of the frame. The hot chick was front and center and it typically went to the chest (obviously a male photographer and we all thank him). The ugly and fat girl was usually in the lower right hand corner and it had only a face of her smiling. Pictures like these is how ugly girls get blind dates. Their gorgeous friends would distract the poor soul who was being conned into dating this small pick up truck. Its the perfect crime, and it should be punishable.

This brings me to my second thought. Why is it that hot girls always hang around ugly girls? Is it to make themselves look better? Or is it because hot chicks don't like other hot chicks cuz they are afraid the hot friend is hotter than they are? Either way its shitty to put a picture of your hot friend on your facebook profile to make yourself look better when you are actually a whale of a woman. Just admit it. Maybe if you finally realize that you are a small aircraft carrier then you will lay off the enormous amounts of alcohol and greasy cheeseburgers and late night twinkies. Either way you can not hide behind your small gorgeous friend, and it is merely because you couldn't hide behind a garden shed due to your enormous hips.

Due to the weather:
"It's hotter than a whorehouse on nickel night." Beandip

Oh Religion...

I love people who believe that their religion can get them out of all problems. People pray to a voice in their head that obviously tells them exactly what they want to hear. They read a book written about a man who convinced a bunch of people to follow him and was eventually put to death as a terrorist and written by a bunch of men who never even knew this man. It would be like me writing a book about Hitler and making him bigger than life. To be brutally honest the "Old Testament" as those of the religious world like to refer to it as is copied from ancient stories such as the Epic of Gilgamesh. Furthermore, who is to say that Jesus wasn't just a kick ass sales man. He made weak people in a time of turmoil believe him. Wow like that hasn't been done a million times before.

Personally, I believe in Buddhism. Tiger Woods was an excellent Buddhist because he took long naps (meditation), he fucked sluts (sought pleasure), and sunk putts (karma). Buddhism is the perfect religion. You don't need to go to a corrupt church and give money to a corrupt preacher. You also don't have to wake up early to listen to some person tell you how much you have sinned the past week.

P.S. Thank you handjob for becoming my first official follower.

A piece of advice:
If you need to use baby powder to find the wet spot then the chick is too big.

I love strippers

Stippers, ah their beauty and grace has left many intelligent men drooling with blue balls and lighter wallets. I honestly hate strip clubs but absolutely love strippers. There has not been a single strip club outing that hasn't resulted in me falling head over heels in love and simultaneously spending well over a c-note. I have since decided that I wish to marry a stripper in the near future and here is why. They would make the absolute perfect wives. They are typically sexy, and if not they have certain bed room skills that up there ranking at least two points and with enough alcohol they would go up possible 3 more and lets face it, there is not a single solid 5 I wouldn't play just the tip with. However, strippers bring many other options to the table. Because of their phenomenal career choice our night life is left wide open. So no bitching about guys night, no bad looks about going to the titty bar, and she wouldn't be around for that late night hooker that would be necessary if you were using the whole number increasing method. Another excellent reason to marry a stripper is they are trained to pretend everything. They would be excellent at faking everything which would make any man feel like he was king. Furthermore, strippers have the most amazing name. Who wouldn't want to marry a girl named Precious or Faith? And possible the most important reason to marry a stripper, if Precious or Faith would get fat, pregnant, or committed then you could simply leave town and find another stripper. So keep in mind the next time your tucking a couple bucks into that g-string, this could be my future wife and that girl dry humping my best friend could be my future second wife.

"You're only as young as the women you feel." G

Emotional Terrorism

This blog is going to be a cluster fuck of random information that happens to be going through my head. I want to begin away from the main topic and talk about partying. For some reason on the ride home today I began thinking about different party themes. For instance, the "pink party" at MC or wiffleball day. Then I got to thinking of what makes parties really fun. The answer is alcohol. Some would say that a good party needs a lot of pussy. Well pussy is always great but I often find that usually I get far too drunk. And with alcohol you can have fun with anyone, anywhere and find almost anything fun to do. This past weekend myself and two buddies got entirely fucked up and had an absolute blast floating around the pool and golfing and watching transformers high as a kite.

Now onto the title of this blog, emotional terrorism. Women are emotional terrorists. A good friend of mine is going through an ordeal that he should not have to be going through. We'll call him the flying squirrel. Well flying squirrel was engaged to ice mountain. They were a good couple until ice mountain went cold and left the flying squirrel for no reason. Terrorists destroy things, women fuck with your emotions (unless you're really smart and don't get attached), so ipso facto women are emotional terrorists. Bitches. To avoid being a victim of emotional terrorism always hold the power by caring the least. And fuck bitches get money.

On an ending note do not dive head first into a 4 ft pool and stop yourself with your head. Your neck will hurt and you will have a headache.

"Mr. Kline was that your daughter?" "Yes" "Wow she looks like she kissed a freight train." A quote from my uncle when he was in grade school. He was spanked by Mr. Kline for this comment.

The Chasing Chapter

Here is a blog that all men should read and few will actually follow. These are my words and I tend to stray from the path from time to time. Women have a way of making men want to chase them. For some reason it is in our blood to think that we need to impress women and look "good" for them. However, this is far from the truth. Granted, some women get off to making men jump through hoops like trained monkeys but most want a man who stands up for himself and does his own thing. If you think about it and really think, the guys and girls who are happiest in their relationships don't live for one another, they live their own lives that just happen to overlap. They do care about each other don't get me wrong but they are both equals and both do their thing.

So here is my advice for those wanting to start new flames or maybe just light the match for the night. DON'T CHASE!!! There is a place for that, its in the movies. You can figure out the time(from the most interesting man in the world). I recently went to a wedding where I was so hammered I don't remember a decent portion of it. Well apparently I was chasing after this girl like she had 4 tits. And apparently I was rejected. Now if I had just sat back and played it cool and been myself who knows what would have happened. But I can honestly say that I have been far more successful when I am just laid back and don't go out of my way. If it happens then it happens and when you chase you look desperate in front of everyone my friend.


"To the ones who left, the ones we left behind, and all the ones in between." The sailor

Lets GOOOOOOOOO!!!

So here begins another epic adventure into the world of blogging. The Rockets began their season in perfect fashion going 2-0 today. As Manchester College did a sufficient job of tearing old Thomas Johnathon from my arm, I have moved into a coaching role. However, this gives me plenty of opportunities to share and hear tragic stories of classic fuckings and stellar examples of womanization. Awesome. I rarely use the stories of others on here but when I do I make sure to give credit where credit is due. So here's to the flame throwing lefty. His story begins as all the great ones do, "we were in the bar getting smashed." To fully respect the situation think of those times where you just get belligerently drunk and have no respect for others or your surroundings. Those drunk moments when you go up to that hot chick you've been thinking about for months and say, "hey wanna fuck," well this was one of those nights.
Anyway, lefty was lucky enough to have himself a good girl who was willing to come pick his drunkenness up from the bar before he made that mistake. This is when the story begins. She is wet and horny. Wet enough it appears she sat in a puddle before she got there and horny enough she would have been willing to ride in the middle while he shifted gears. They got back to the room and she expected a good time. Unfortunately, lefty was in no state of mind to give her what she desired. So she thought a quick shower for two would do the trick. Quite the contrary. A little way into their dirty shower, lefty decided he desperately had to urinate. So he called time and went to the toilet. This, by the way, was taking place in an all girls dorm in a community shower. Luckily for the old lefty he fell asleep on the pot. When his lovely lady came looking for him she was met by several of her closest friends. They were also met by a naked lefty passed out with his dick out. They attempted to get him up (no pun intended) and get him to her room. However, the lefty wasn't finished with his escapades. Upon seeing the three ladies he stood up turned around gave them the old goat and began saying every prayer he could to the porcelain god. The next morning to his great delight was not met with a restraining order or prison bars but instead one completely unsatisfied and disgruntled female partner.
Poor lefty but we are all proud of his antics and have been in his place where the alcohol takes place of common decency and shame.


"When in doubt, just pass out and fuck her in the morning." The legend

The Next Chapter

I have recently been inspired by the groom to restart the blogging process. So I will attempt to do so. I guess I will start by reenacting one wild wedding reception. WE GOT FUCKED UP!! There it is properly reenacted. After many bottle of wine, cans of beer, and shots of jaeger the night was well on its way. Bridesmaids were thoroughly insulted. Grandmothers were disgusted. And most importantly the boys began toasting to fat chicks. Lines such as, "hey my dick died can I bury it in your ass," and "does this smell like chloroform to you," and "wow you have a pretty face, it would look great on my cock," and my personal favorite "you look like you just fell out of the I wanna suck your dick tree and hit every branch on the way down," were being used to perfection. I like to think that I am a good talker but when an exuberant amount of alcohol is put into my system I have this habit of saying whatever comes to mind, which is perfect. A long story short I had a lot of fun. Hopefully I restart to old blogging engine and keep it properly lubricated.

P.S. If you happen to stumble across this blog and have any insight or advice concerning a particular subject then leave a message.

"You can fuck the fat ones, you can fuck the ugly ones, but you can't fuck the fat ugly ones... unless you're smashed drunk at a wedding reception and simply don't give a fuck. Here's to handjob." My actual quote from a jaeger toast at the grooms wedding.

What a break

I knew this break would be fun because everyone was coming back home and our entire group from high school would get together again for the first time since graduating. What I didn't expect was everyone and their uncle making the leap into marriage. It's like nobody wanted to buy christmas presents so instead they all bought rings. It began on Thanksgiving with the engagement of Ian and Erica and Josh and Stephanie. They were soon joined by Robert and Alyssa. I thought this would be the end of it for awhile, however I was wrong. The plague was spreading and Josh Hawn and Jessica were soon engaged to be wed. They were joined by many others whom I did not know exactly but graduated with none-the-less. At our New Years Party we were all gathered around the beer pong table and having a great time when another person was congratulated. I was curious what he had done to receive this congratulations and upon questioning him realized he too had been beaten ruthlessly by the engagement fairy. So now there are only two of us true bachelors left in the old JCUDA (Jay County Underage Drinking Association). The boilermaker and myself however the boilermaker seems to be starting a relationship.
Either way I have been made the best man for most recent engagement. The wedding is in Florida next new years so it will hopefully be a complete reinactment of the hangover only in Florida.