Time Loops

Tonight was spent at two of my old friends engagement parties. In the old days of high school I was very good friends with both of these guys however over the years and distance we have drifted apart. Now, to my great surprise they are to be wed. The one I had kept in somewhat contact with over the years but the other was now a complete stranger at first. It was fairly awkward in the beginning but I was determined to hangout with him and a few others some more because we used to be such close friends. Now he is a philosophy major he got me thinking of philosophical crap. On the drive home a thought hit me. What if time can be altered or expected. That is what if someone can actually tell the future with exact precision and then alter it. Being a historian I had to link the two fields for this subject to make sense.

History repeats itself. This is true and evident if one studies enough history. However, what if history repeats itself exactly. What if there is a set timeline that simply plays over and over again. Obviously, it cannot happen in the same place or on the same magnitude, but everything I did today has been done by someone else before. What if my life has already been completed by someone else? What if someone is living my exact life in another part of the world only they are at a different point in it? What if someone can find the pattern or timeline? If someone can find the timeline of set events in history, could they control the future? They would have the knowledge of exactly what someone is doing throughout their entire life. They would know exactly how people have, are, and will behave. This is a long shot but history does, in fact, repeat itself and my theory is that in many cases it repeats itself exactly. Someone has thought of this before and has written about it. Someone has done exactly what you did today. What does that do to uniqueness? What does that do to free will? However, if someone knew the pattern they could simply break it. But would they want to break it? Or have people broken it in the past and created new timelines? Fuck my mind. Too much thinking for this early in the morning.

Mood Swings

Everyone goes through certain times, whether its weeks or hours where they just feel like shit. Sometimes it only takes a trip to the weightroom or a funny joke to get you over it but other times it takes time. The other day I was in a bad mood. I was upset because you know who came to talk and I couldn't find the words I wanted to say. But I was trying to think of how to be good in relationships. I realized many women want to be subjugated. Now I'm sure this will come under great dispute but here is my evidence. I have had three relationships that I consider to be legit where feelings were expressed and there was actual commitment. Now in two of these relationships I stayed at a distance and stayed in control. I was there when they wanted me and when they needed me but other than that I kept to myself. Both of these relationships I ended. Now the third I dove in head first and wanted to spend time with this person. I wanted to see them everyday and talk to them all the time. I went to her room and asked her to come to mine. However, the more I committed the more she withdrew. So I believe the best relationship to not be hurt in is one where you don't completely commit. People will follow those who are strong and those who are not equal or beneath them. In my relationship with you know who I made a mistake by giving her control. However, I had never had those feelings for anyone else like I did for her so maybe that is what I need or want in a relationship it just wasn't the right girl. Who knows, this has been a lot of rambling.

If you don't push the limits you will never know them

During the past two days I have read an entire book, not slept, worked out twice, done tons of homework, been an emotional wreck and did I mention I haven't slept in two days. One of the things many people don't know about me is that I have enlarged organs. Everything from my heart to my stomach to my kidneys. They are all too big for my body. I should be 6'3" 220 lbs. This has pros and cons to it. One of the pros is that I'm able to last longer than most everyone else at almost everything, except sex dammit. But anyway, I was going to blog earlier but realized that it would have just been a bitch fest about you know who. So I waited and learned and took from my experiences that everyone has a threshold. Today, after having no sleep and going to classes, I was ready to pass out and take a well deserved nap instead of working out. However, I had made up my mind last night to talk to you know who. The conversation I was wanting to have with you know was filling all my thoughts and as I laid down I realized that this was a perfect chance to test my limits. I was exhausted, emotionally upset, and wanted to talk to you know who. However, I got up, got dressed and went to the weight room to do a rather hard leg workout. So on to the moral of today. Your body is more than just organs and blood and water. That is what your body needs but not what it is. You are emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, etc... When one part of yourself falters and sways your true strength is tested. It is up to the rest of yourself to hold you steady and strong. I was a mental and emotional wreck, however my physical strength hadn't given up on me. I was able to block out the thoughts but pushing myself physically.

Don't give up on yourself. When you feel down and beaten don't give up but see what you can take. There will always be more tests and obstacles to overcome and if you have never attempted to beat them you never will. Life is a test and you don't have to be book smart to pass it. Just push yourself to do more than you have in the past and be more than you were yesterday. Today I am still an emotional wreck because I want you know who, but I am able to overcome that and push my limits in other areas.

BTW I did text you know who and you know who said we could be friends which is like kissing your sister but fuck it with every day brings me one day closer to being whole again.

"Time doesn't heal all wounds, I have the scars to prove it." Me and probably a bunch of other people.
"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive." VanWilder

"Sometimes theres more to life than just livin"

We can blame my lack of blogging on what I like to call a sabbatical to find myself. A little background on the past few months of silence. I met a girl and thought she was grand, kinda fell for her and found out firsthand, it went well for a month or two, then it all came unglued. (yes that is almost the lyrics of "She Fucking Hates Me.") Well she said all the right things and did all the right things, told me I was the one and even told her sister I was the one. She told me she was falling in love with me one drunken night. But then she decided we were moving to fast. Me not wanting to lose "the one" agreed and so our relationship became one of gaining friendship and avoiding sexual encounters. Meaning we stopped fucking every day. But that was perfectly fine with me, I was more than willing to put my libido in park to satisfy this girl and become her friend first. However, October 14th rolls around (this just happens to be our 1 month anniversary) and she decides that she doesn't know what she wants and broke up with me to become friends first. Now I was astonished and broken hearted and completely flattened so I did the one thing I could do to get rid of the pain: I drank myself stupid 3 nights in a row. The first two nights we talked and I realized that I was getting nowhere and that we would eventually become nothing. The third night I had sex with another girl. Now this may seem like the most awful thing I could ever do. However, I was heart-broken and crushed and needed someone to be there and take away the pain. Looking back I realize this may have been the biggest mistake I have ever made. But it may have also been sign. Maybe I wasn't supposed to end up with "the one." She has since found someone else and seems to be moving along just fine. We have stopped talking and for the most part completely ignore each other as best as possible. Her friends, who I thought were also my friends have completely given me the cold shoulder and I find myself alone more than ever.

But enough of the sad, depressing stuff. Lets see what I can make of this mess. Broken heart + fucking another girl = no chance of getting back together with ex. This has event has changed my life. First, always be critical of girls. Don't fall head over heels within a month and become a friend before you ever have sex or make anything official. Second, make sex mean something. If you're just fucking to fuck then it will always come back to hurt you. Besides, if it means anything then it is always better. Third, don't push too hard. If something is meant to be then it will be, if not then it won't. As much as you want to you cannot force fate. Everything happens for a reason and no matter how much it hurts it was meant to happen. Fourth, there is always more to life than simply being. Everyone is a part of something more. Your life has, is, and will affect someone else. You cannot change or avoid it.

This blog is extremely long and I apologize however I have needed to say this to myself for a long time and haven't known the words.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is mysterious." Albert Einstein
"The greatest blunders, like the thickest ropes, are often compounded by a multitude of strands." Victor Hugo