Time Loops

Tonight was spent at two of my old friends engagement parties. In the old days of high school I was very good friends with both of these guys however over the years and distance we have drifted apart. Now, to my great surprise they are to be wed. The one I had kept in somewhat contact with over the years but the other was now a complete stranger at first. It was fairly awkward in the beginning but I was determined to hangout with him and a few others some more because we used to be such close friends. Now he is a philosophy major he got me thinking of philosophical crap. On the drive home a thought hit me. What if time can be altered or expected. That is what if someone can actually tell the future with exact precision and then alter it. Being a historian I had to link the two fields for this subject to make sense.

History repeats itself. This is true and evident if one studies enough history. However, what if history repeats itself exactly. What if there is a set timeline that simply plays over and over again. Obviously, it cannot happen in the same place or on the same magnitude, but everything I did today has been done by someone else before. What if my life has already been completed by someone else? What if someone is living my exact life in another part of the world only they are at a different point in it? What if someone can find the pattern or timeline? If someone can find the timeline of set events in history, could they control the future? They would have the knowledge of exactly what someone is doing throughout their entire life. They would know exactly how people have, are, and will behave. This is a long shot but history does, in fact, repeat itself and my theory is that in many cases it repeats itself exactly. Someone has thought of this before and has written about it. Someone has done exactly what you did today. What does that do to uniqueness? What does that do to free will? However, if someone knew the pattern they could simply break it. But would they want to break it? Or have people broken it in the past and created new timelines? Fuck my mind. Too much thinking for this early in the morning.

Mood Swings

Everyone goes through certain times, whether its weeks or hours where they just feel like shit. Sometimes it only takes a trip to the weightroom or a funny joke to get you over it but other times it takes time. The other day I was in a bad mood. I was upset because you know who came to talk and I couldn't find the words I wanted to say. But I was trying to think of how to be good in relationships. I realized many women want to be subjugated. Now I'm sure this will come under great dispute but here is my evidence. I have had three relationships that I consider to be legit where feelings were expressed and there was actual commitment. Now in two of these relationships I stayed at a distance and stayed in control. I was there when they wanted me and when they needed me but other than that I kept to myself. Both of these relationships I ended. Now the third I dove in head first and wanted to spend time with this person. I wanted to see them everyday and talk to them all the time. I went to her room and asked her to come to mine. However, the more I committed the more she withdrew. So I believe the best relationship to not be hurt in is one where you don't completely commit. People will follow those who are strong and those who are not equal or beneath them. In my relationship with you know who I made a mistake by giving her control. However, I had never had those feelings for anyone else like I did for her so maybe that is what I need or want in a relationship it just wasn't the right girl. Who knows, this has been a lot of rambling.

If you don't push the limits you will never know them

During the past two days I have read an entire book, not slept, worked out twice, done tons of homework, been an emotional wreck and did I mention I haven't slept in two days. One of the things many people don't know about me is that I have enlarged organs. Everything from my heart to my stomach to my kidneys. They are all too big for my body. I should be 6'3" 220 lbs. This has pros and cons to it. One of the pros is that I'm able to last longer than most everyone else at almost everything, except sex dammit. But anyway, I was going to blog earlier but realized that it would have just been a bitch fest about you know who. So I waited and learned and took from my experiences that everyone has a threshold. Today, after having no sleep and going to classes, I was ready to pass out and take a well deserved nap instead of working out. However, I had made up my mind last night to talk to you know who. The conversation I was wanting to have with you know was filling all my thoughts and as I laid down I realized that this was a perfect chance to test my limits. I was exhausted, emotionally upset, and wanted to talk to you know who. However, I got up, got dressed and went to the weight room to do a rather hard leg workout. So on to the moral of today. Your body is more than just organs and blood and water. That is what your body needs but not what it is. You are emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, etc... When one part of yourself falters and sways your true strength is tested. It is up to the rest of yourself to hold you steady and strong. I was a mental and emotional wreck, however my physical strength hadn't given up on me. I was able to block out the thoughts but pushing myself physically.

Don't give up on yourself. When you feel down and beaten don't give up but see what you can take. There will always be more tests and obstacles to overcome and if you have never attempted to beat them you never will. Life is a test and you don't have to be book smart to pass it. Just push yourself to do more than you have in the past and be more than you were yesterday. Today I am still an emotional wreck because I want you know who, but I am able to overcome that and push my limits in other areas.

BTW I did text you know who and you know who said we could be friends which is like kissing your sister but fuck it with every day brings me one day closer to being whole again.

"Time doesn't heal all wounds, I have the scars to prove it." Me and probably a bunch of other people.
"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive." VanWilder

"Sometimes theres more to life than just livin"

We can blame my lack of blogging on what I like to call a sabbatical to find myself. A little background on the past few months of silence. I met a girl and thought she was grand, kinda fell for her and found out firsthand, it went well for a month or two, then it all came unglued. (yes that is almost the lyrics of "She Fucking Hates Me.") Well she said all the right things and did all the right things, told me I was the one and even told her sister I was the one. She told me she was falling in love with me one drunken night. But then she decided we were moving to fast. Me not wanting to lose "the one" agreed and so our relationship became one of gaining friendship and avoiding sexual encounters. Meaning we stopped fucking every day. But that was perfectly fine with me, I was more than willing to put my libido in park to satisfy this girl and become her friend first. However, October 14th rolls around (this just happens to be our 1 month anniversary) and she decides that she doesn't know what she wants and broke up with me to become friends first. Now I was astonished and broken hearted and completely flattened so I did the one thing I could do to get rid of the pain: I drank myself stupid 3 nights in a row. The first two nights we talked and I realized that I was getting nowhere and that we would eventually become nothing. The third night I had sex with another girl. Now this may seem like the most awful thing I could ever do. However, I was heart-broken and crushed and needed someone to be there and take away the pain. Looking back I realize this may have been the biggest mistake I have ever made. But it may have also been sign. Maybe I wasn't supposed to end up with "the one." She has since found someone else and seems to be moving along just fine. We have stopped talking and for the most part completely ignore each other as best as possible. Her friends, who I thought were also my friends have completely given me the cold shoulder and I find myself alone more than ever.

But enough of the sad, depressing stuff. Lets see what I can make of this mess. Broken heart + fucking another girl = no chance of getting back together with ex. This has event has changed my life. First, always be critical of girls. Don't fall head over heels within a month and become a friend before you ever have sex or make anything official. Second, make sex mean something. If you're just fucking to fuck then it will always come back to hurt you. Besides, if it means anything then it is always better. Third, don't push too hard. If something is meant to be then it will be, if not then it won't. As much as you want to you cannot force fate. Everything happens for a reason and no matter how much it hurts it was meant to happen. Fourth, there is always more to life than simply being. Everyone is a part of something more. Your life has, is, and will affect someone else. You cannot change or avoid it.

This blog is extremely long and I apologize however I have needed to say this to myself for a long time and haven't known the words.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is mysterious." Albert Einstein
"The greatest blunders, like the thickest ropes, are often compounded by a multitude of strands." Victor Hugo

New Updates Available

I haven't blogged in a very long time and I feel like I should have a different first blog than what it used to be. That blog paints a slightly bad picture of myself and I would hate for some people to think of me differently. So this is the first summer in a long time that I haven't spent with her. Its different and I'm not 100% sure i like it. See she was always there and always wanted to be with me and I always found a way to screw it up and now she has a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong I didn't expect her to stay single and if I expected her to always be there then i wouldn't have broken up with her. However, being home makes me think about having a home and wanting her to be in my home, but being at school makes me wanna be a kid and fool around more. But thats an old story.
The Portland Rockets are doing decent this year, I'm pitching well and the team is fun as usual. The Bear just got home and we started our old workouts again. I am in constant pain and agony but love it. Watching the bro is still my only means of employment but I like it cuz he's a cool dude. I am kind of looking forward to going back to school but kind of not cuz then I have to start learning again. The summer life is good this year and easy but I do wish that I had her back again.

"You never know what you have until you have given it up three times." Stupid friend
"Holy shit I totally just made a kid, fuck I knew I shouldn't have had that last beer that one night." Another stupid friend.

What the fuck is happening?

So scratch that last blog, who honestly cares? I should just give up women for questioning one of the things that I'm good at. That's like asking should I keep pitching. Well speaking of pitching the Spartans were in action against the biggest cocksucker team in the nation, aka Anderson. Those fuckholes swept us because we decided to play like absolute dog shit. I closed in two games and blew a save for the loss, fml. That isn't like me. I'm usually a very dominating pitcher against D-3 guys. However, i fucked that one up. Then we were already down 6-0 when I came in the third to give limited relief. We suck. Hopefully every member of the team finds a slump buster tonight and does the riteous thing to get back on track. Personally, I'm drinking myself silly and hitting on some girl with a boyfriend who is twice my size.

Life comes at you in bursts

So for several weeks and maybe even months now I haven't really pursued a member of the opposite sex, nor one of the same sex for that matter. However, within the past several days opportunities have made themselves very available for me. Unfortunately, as soon as slutting becomes easy again I don't feel right doing it. I'm doing great in baseball and my school work is still chugging along and I am feeling more and more like starting a relationship, fml. This is not entirely unlike me however. I tend to change my opinion of sexual encounters as the days go by. There is one girl who I could see liking but she isn't exactly the moral girl you take home to mom. There is another girl who is the moral girl for mother but isn't exactly the right match for me. Then there is the girl from my past. She is perfect for me and I regret every day that I let her go. So my real predicament here is what do I do and who do I do. I'll probably stay the course and bung the ones that are bungable but who knows. I would say fml but many would pay to be in my position. I will probably follow the advice of He who is to be named later because all the children will tell me to bung away.

This blog is primarily rambling and I don't mind. Thoughts are jumbled in your brain and its easier to dump them all out and go over them later than figure them out in your head.

News from the Spartan Athletic Desk

The mighty Spartans went to Texas this past week and got royally ass fucked by Texas flamethrowers. We showed up expecting another successful spring trip only to get beat in 12 innings game one 7-6 and slaughtered by the same team day 2 20-7. Fuck us right. Well our spirits were still high even though we lost purely from errors. Texas teams live and die by the fastball but they can mash the shit out of a fastball. Luckily, the might Spartans averaged 5 errors a game and didn't hit anything above 85 mph. We went into day three against a different team again wanting to dominate. We had our ace on the mound and high hopes of a victory. However, the errors continued and the pitching plummeted and we lost 10-7. Day 4 we traveled to the big D and with the change of scenery and surroundings we wanted and needed a victory. C-Mall jumped on the bump and started us out fabulously. We had a 6-3 lead going into the 7th and then yours truly came to take the ball. I finished strong allowing one hit and one run, however they were both in the 7th and it wasn't my run. He was left on base by Mallery. I completed the game for the save and the mighty Spartans came home victorious.

Chapter 5 of the future book:
You can f%$* the fat ones, you can f#@$ the ugly ones, but you cannot f&%* the fat, ugly ones.

And for Sir He Is To Be Named At A Later Point, different area codes and no commitment allows you to have an open and completely fun relationship to the point where you don't hurt yourself. It is like a test drive that allows you to truly see the best sides of both people and you can decide after you gather all necessary information which one is worth you. Best of luck bro.

Chapter 4 and then some

So I know that I was going to give all my faithful readers a point by point crash course in picking up their dream girl, however, after the initial pickup and encounter it is up to you not to be an idiot. I like to think that if you are yourself no matter what you will be much happier and less depressed every time you see your significant other. If you are forced to be someone you are not then bad things will always happen. So talk to her, but be yourself. Don't use words that you don't know the meaning to in order to sound smart. And don't talk like a thug to seem tough. Just be yourself.

On a lighter note. The baseball team got stuck in the mud at IU Southeast today and lost both games, 11-9 and 4-0. Yours truly was the lucky one to acquire the loss of game one. I came in in the clutch in the 4th inning with bases loaded and 1 out. Luckily I got out of that one unscathed after going 3-0 on a batter. The score was 7-4 at that time the mighty spartans were losing. The grenadiers then scored a run in the 5th only to be outmatched by a grand slam by corey oeding the following inning. With the score tied 8-8 yours truly once again went to the mound in the bottom of the 6th to give up a three run homer. This lead to disaster as we went on to lose 11-9. Fuck my life. Spartans are in action tomorrow at 1 o'clock against Marian College.

Chapter 3

After you begin the conversation and have her attention don't be too needy. Give her space but not too much that she forgets you. And finally, the ultimate rule that I have disregarded several times, if you like her and she likes you and you are happy in a relationship, don't fuck it up. That is don't just break up with her for no apparent reason. You will live to regret it.


"You never know what you have until it's gone."

Chapter 2

As I said earlier there are different ways to approach different situations. However, many of these situations are impossible to write about. You just have to be aware of your surroundings. Also, you have to be aware of yourself. No woman is out of reach! However, if you are stumbling when you walk and can't see straight it may not be wise for you to approach the girl. Unfortunately, it is these times that you have the most confidence and are most likely to say hello. Avoid these situations!!! Granted she may be a drinker and partier but the more you are able to keep control the more attractive you become. Girls don't want someone they have to babysit. So if it is at all possible avoid being drunk on your first encounter.

There are many different situations. For sake of not writing a thousands pages I will concentrate on one. You see a girl and simply want to get to know her better, not strictly sexually either. So, you have broken the ice and are now having a decent conversation. However, it gets to the point where talking stops and it becomes an awkward situation. At this point it is best to leave. Give a polite and courteous thank you and good bye and it was a pleasure to meet you. REMEMBER, its not worth chasing a girl all over to get her to like you. Either she does or she doesn't and you only have a little say in the matter. If she likes you after the conversation there is a good possiblity that if you keep an eye out, casually, then you could possibly do it again. The second time is a time for joking and casual teasing. Eliminate the awkward middle ground and begin joking and lightening up the mood. However, don't go too far. "You look slutty" is not a joke. Games, while sometimes cheesy, are great ways to begin poking fun at each other. If you begin the teasing and she responds positively, then you succeeded and are allowed to continue. But not too much. She is not your brother you cannot constantly haze her. Also, flirting is different from teasing. Flirting begins and ends with a smile, teasing with no regards to others reactions ends with you being alone again. After the flirting phase comes the being alone phase, however that's another blog.

"Three things have been difficult to tame: the oceans, fools and women. We may soon be able to tame the oceans; fools and women will take a little longer." Spiro T. Agnew
Don't be a fool and don't try to tame women, its a losing battle.

Woman Chronicles

So I have been talking to friends lately and after several extensive conversations I have decided that I should write a book of all the things I know or think I know about women. And seeing as how I only really know of one woman who reads this blog I am hoping that her comments will help perfect my comments.

There are not very many things that I know but there are things that I do know and situations that I have been in that others would benefit from. When I was younger I was always afraid to make initial contact with girls. However, once I started talking to them it was easy to keep a conversation going. So the initial icebreaker was always the problem. There are a few guys who use lines to get a girls initial attention. I am a firm believer that if you try too hard she will be able to see right through you. And you never want her to know your ultimate intentions. A casual conversation and a subtle goodbye is always more beneficial than a cheesy line and following her around all night. Girls know if they are interested from the first word you say. If your first line is about a polar bear, you may get a laugh but you'll also be alone that night. If you start a conversation casually and leave when the conversation is done. There is a chance that you will run into each other again that night. And if you were actually able to talk to her there may be a chance that she doesn't think you're just like every other guy and give you another chance.

An icebreaker does not start with the word "I." It usually is a question. You notice something about her that you have in common and ask her about it. When she responds then share how you are connected. But not too much. She doesn't want you to walk across the room to talk about yourself. Tell enough to stimulate further conversation but not so much that she turns and leaves. If you walk up to her and go completely blank don't freak out. A stuttering start is not always a bad thing. Keep to the plan and ask her something. If you fail and walk away there is still a chance that later on you and her will be able to laugh about your awful failure. It is only a failure if you fail to correct it. Women aren't scary but conversations are. Your major objective is to start talking and don't stick your foot in your mouth. Once you say it, you can't take it back. Keep in mind there are different ways to approach different women and different ways to act depending on your intentions. But I will talk about those later.

"It is with our passions, as it is with fire and water, they are good servants but bad masters." Aesop

Women

Ever since I can remember I have been able to talk to women without much problem. However, the women that I tend to talk to the most are those who are in some form of a commitment. Furthermore, it seems like the only girls who I want to talk to are committed. By the time I get done "having fun" all the good ones are already taken and the only single ones are single for a reason. For instance, all of the girls i hang out with now are either in a relationship or there is something that makes them undatable to me. Furthermore, out of all the girls that I have had any sexual experience with, over half were in a relationship with someone else at the time. Don't worry it is none of the people who read this blog nor was it your girlfriend. Also, I have always been a flirt with most all women and like to compliment and be complimented. So if I flirt with you it is probably harmless unless you are one particular person and then it is because that you are the perfect girl, but I'll leave her nameless. Well on to the events of the day.
Today was probably one of the best days of my life when it comes to women. I can only think of one day that compares and it was in fifth grade before I had even hit puberty. Today seemed to be filled with beautiful women and all of them seemed to be flirting with me as much as I was flirting with them. Granted several of them were in a relationship but that's just a minor technicality. I saw girls today that I had never seen before. There were girls in my classes that stood out more than normal and talked to me randomly and girls in the training room and weight room during practice. Girls everywhere. Hopefully tomorrow is half as good as what today was. And hopefully Charlemagne is in a good mood again tomorrow because I think her mood determines my mood. Well this is long enough so I will end on a few quotes.

"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."
"I like intelligent women, when you go out it shouldn't be a staring contest." Frank Sinatra
"What valor cannot win, flattery may." Publilius Syrus

Urges and Desires

As the title cleverly points out this blog is about those little urges and desires that push us to do things that we normally would not always pursue. For instance, I was sitting at my desk reading for Empire when someone mentioned a box of chocolates. Immediately I was craving some chocolate. So I took my last two dollars and went to the vending machine and purchased a bag of peanut M&Ms and a crunchy butterfinger. Both of which were phenomenal.
Those may be my only urges for the blog, or at least the only ones that are PG rated. So onto desires. At the convo this morning, which was a thorough let down if you didn't attend, I began to realize that I should be a little more conscious of where I am spending and how much. And if you know me then you know that I am an impulse buyer and pay very little attention to the cost of things if I really want it. Speaking of which, my mother called me earlier this week and said that my debit card was reporting fraudulent charges and that my pin number would be changed in a few days no matter what. Which pisses me off because I have my card with me and checked my account online and my cousin is my loan officer at the bank and I still have to change my pin. It's stupid. Almost as stupid as me saying pin number earlier, because if you think about it I just said personal identification number number. It's like ATM Machine. Just ridiculous. But I'm going to end this random tangent and conclude my blog with a few quotes.

"Never give up, never surrender" Buzz Lightyear
"Don't take life to seriously, you'll never get out alive." VanWilder

Blogging season is back

I haven't blogged in quite some time and if it weren't for the encouragement of the best looking girl in East I might still be reading. There are many things which I thought I would talk about on here but now that I am actually blogging my mind is blank. I think I will start with the most recent disaster in the life of yours truly.

Well if you don't know I am a sucker for beautiful women and I am thoroughly scared to become entrapped into any form of a strong emotional relationship. There are many reasons why I am this way but the easiest to explain is my extreme dislike of breakups. See breakups and the such are inevitable. And while the ride with a significant other can sometimes be wonderful the always unfortunate ending can really suck. I'm a person who does not easily get fully involved even if I really like someone because I know that eventually someone will do something to screw everything up and then it will be over and its easier to not ever fully commit than it is to heal a broken heart.
So onto the story. My ex-girlfriend is one of the most beautiful girl that I have ever seen. She was also one of the coolest girls and all-around best girls that I have ever met. Well I think it took me being kind of lonely and away from her to really see that. However, I kept telling myself that I shouldn't talk to her because we would just break up again and I have already broken her heart too many times. Well here goes the disaster. I texted her and after a short conversation I confessed that I couldn't stop thinking about her, just to find out that she had gotten a new boyfriend the night before. Initially it was like getting hit in the face by baseball bat then landing on a bed of nails. But a few hours after the hit wore off I realized it was again for the best and that it was obviously meant to be that way. See I'm also a firm believer in fate. So that is my big disaster that I wanted to tell.

"Sometimes you just got to let the big ones hit." Coach Espy
"You can %#@* the fat ones, you can %#@* the ugly ones, but you can not %#@* the fat ugly ones." Me and my friends from home.
"She didn't get away, I left her behind." LeBrenden