Oh Religion...

I love people who believe that their religion can get them out of all problems. People pray to a voice in their head that obviously tells them exactly what they want to hear. They read a book written about a man who convinced a bunch of people to follow him and was eventually put to death as a terrorist and written by a bunch of men who never even knew this man. It would be like me writing a book about Hitler and making him bigger than life. To be brutally honest the "Old Testament" as those of the religious world like to refer to it as is copied from ancient stories such as the Epic of Gilgamesh. Furthermore, who is to say that Jesus wasn't just a kick ass sales man. He made weak people in a time of turmoil believe him. Wow like that hasn't been done a million times before.

Personally, I believe in Buddhism. Tiger Woods was an excellent Buddhist because he took long naps (meditation), he fucked sluts (sought pleasure), and sunk putts (karma). Buddhism is the perfect religion. You don't need to go to a corrupt church and give money to a corrupt preacher. You also don't have to wake up early to listen to some person tell you how much you have sinned the past week.

P.S. Thank you handjob for becoming my first official follower.

A piece of advice:
If you need to use baby powder to find the wet spot then the chick is too big.

I love strippers

Stippers, ah their beauty and grace has left many intelligent men drooling with blue balls and lighter wallets. I honestly hate strip clubs but absolutely love strippers. There has not been a single strip club outing that hasn't resulted in me falling head over heels in love and simultaneously spending well over a c-note. I have since decided that I wish to marry a stripper in the near future and here is why. They would make the absolute perfect wives. They are typically sexy, and if not they have certain bed room skills that up there ranking at least two points and with enough alcohol they would go up possible 3 more and lets face it, there is not a single solid 5 I wouldn't play just the tip with. However, strippers bring many other options to the table. Because of their phenomenal career choice our night life is left wide open. So no bitching about guys night, no bad looks about going to the titty bar, and she wouldn't be around for that late night hooker that would be necessary if you were using the whole number increasing method. Another excellent reason to marry a stripper is they are trained to pretend everything. They would be excellent at faking everything which would make any man feel like he was king. Furthermore, strippers have the most amazing name. Who wouldn't want to marry a girl named Precious or Faith? And possible the most important reason to marry a stripper, if Precious or Faith would get fat, pregnant, or committed then you could simply leave town and find another stripper. So keep in mind the next time your tucking a couple bucks into that g-string, this could be my future wife and that girl dry humping my best friend could be my future second wife.

"You're only as young as the women you feel." G

Emotional Terrorism

This blog is going to be a cluster fuck of random information that happens to be going through my head. I want to begin away from the main topic and talk about partying. For some reason on the ride home today I began thinking about different party themes. For instance, the "pink party" at MC or wiffleball day. Then I got to thinking of what makes parties really fun. The answer is alcohol. Some would say that a good party needs a lot of pussy. Well pussy is always great but I often find that usually I get far too drunk. And with alcohol you can have fun with anyone, anywhere and find almost anything fun to do. This past weekend myself and two buddies got entirely fucked up and had an absolute blast floating around the pool and golfing and watching transformers high as a kite.

Now onto the title of this blog, emotional terrorism. Women are emotional terrorists. A good friend of mine is going through an ordeal that he should not have to be going through. We'll call him the flying squirrel. Well flying squirrel was engaged to ice mountain. They were a good couple until ice mountain went cold and left the flying squirrel for no reason. Terrorists destroy things, women fuck with your emotions (unless you're really smart and don't get attached), so ipso facto women are emotional terrorists. Bitches. To avoid being a victim of emotional terrorism always hold the power by caring the least. And fuck bitches get money.

On an ending note do not dive head first into a 4 ft pool and stop yourself with your head. Your neck will hurt and you will have a headache.

"Mr. Kline was that your daughter?" "Yes" "Wow she looks like she kissed a freight train." A quote from my uncle when he was in grade school. He was spanked by Mr. Kline for this comment.

The Chasing Chapter

Here is a blog that all men should read and few will actually follow. These are my words and I tend to stray from the path from time to time. Women have a way of making men want to chase them. For some reason it is in our blood to think that we need to impress women and look "good" for them. However, this is far from the truth. Granted, some women get off to making men jump through hoops like trained monkeys but most want a man who stands up for himself and does his own thing. If you think about it and really think, the guys and girls who are happiest in their relationships don't live for one another, they live their own lives that just happen to overlap. They do care about each other don't get me wrong but they are both equals and both do their thing.

So here is my advice for those wanting to start new flames or maybe just light the match for the night. DON'T CHASE!!! There is a place for that, its in the movies. You can figure out the time(from the most interesting man in the world). I recently went to a wedding where I was so hammered I don't remember a decent portion of it. Well apparently I was chasing after this girl like she had 4 tits. And apparently I was rejected. Now if I had just sat back and played it cool and been myself who knows what would have happened. But I can honestly say that I have been far more successful when I am just laid back and don't go out of my way. If it happens then it happens and when you chase you look desperate in front of everyone my friend.


"To the ones who left, the ones we left behind, and all the ones in between." The sailor

Lets GOOOOOOOOO!!!

So here begins another epic adventure into the world of blogging. The Rockets began their season in perfect fashion going 2-0 today. As Manchester College did a sufficient job of tearing old Thomas Johnathon from my arm, I have moved into a coaching role. However, this gives me plenty of opportunities to share and hear tragic stories of classic fuckings and stellar examples of womanization. Awesome. I rarely use the stories of others on here but when I do I make sure to give credit where credit is due. So here's to the flame throwing lefty. His story begins as all the great ones do, "we were in the bar getting smashed." To fully respect the situation think of those times where you just get belligerently drunk and have no respect for others or your surroundings. Those drunk moments when you go up to that hot chick you've been thinking about for months and say, "hey wanna fuck," well this was one of those nights.
Anyway, lefty was lucky enough to have himself a good girl who was willing to come pick his drunkenness up from the bar before he made that mistake. This is when the story begins. She is wet and horny. Wet enough it appears she sat in a puddle before she got there and horny enough she would have been willing to ride in the middle while he shifted gears. They got back to the room and she expected a good time. Unfortunately, lefty was in no state of mind to give her what she desired. So she thought a quick shower for two would do the trick. Quite the contrary. A little way into their dirty shower, lefty decided he desperately had to urinate. So he called time and went to the toilet. This, by the way, was taking place in an all girls dorm in a community shower. Luckily for the old lefty he fell asleep on the pot. When his lovely lady came looking for him she was met by several of her closest friends. They were also met by a naked lefty passed out with his dick out. They attempted to get him up (no pun intended) and get him to her room. However, the lefty wasn't finished with his escapades. Upon seeing the three ladies he stood up turned around gave them the old goat and began saying every prayer he could to the porcelain god. The next morning to his great delight was not met with a restraining order or prison bars but instead one completely unsatisfied and disgruntled female partner.
Poor lefty but we are all proud of his antics and have been in his place where the alcohol takes place of common decency and shame.


"When in doubt, just pass out and fuck her in the morning." The legend

The Next Chapter

I have recently been inspired by the groom to restart the blogging process. So I will attempt to do so. I guess I will start by reenacting one wild wedding reception. WE GOT FUCKED UP!! There it is properly reenacted. After many bottle of wine, cans of beer, and shots of jaeger the night was well on its way. Bridesmaids were thoroughly insulted. Grandmothers were disgusted. And most importantly the boys began toasting to fat chicks. Lines such as, "hey my dick died can I bury it in your ass," and "does this smell like chloroform to you," and "wow you have a pretty face, it would look great on my cock," and my personal favorite "you look like you just fell out of the I wanna suck your dick tree and hit every branch on the way down," were being used to perfection. I like to think that I am a good talker but when an exuberant amount of alcohol is put into my system I have this habit of saying whatever comes to mind, which is perfect. A long story short I had a lot of fun. Hopefully I restart to old blogging engine and keep it properly lubricated.

P.S. If you happen to stumble across this blog and have any insight or advice concerning a particular subject then leave a message.

"You can fuck the fat ones, you can fuck the ugly ones, but you can't fuck the fat ugly ones... unless you're smashed drunk at a wedding reception and simply don't give a fuck. Here's to handjob." My actual quote from a jaeger toast at the grooms wedding.

What a break

I knew this break would be fun because everyone was coming back home and our entire group from high school would get together again for the first time since graduating. What I didn't expect was everyone and their uncle making the leap into marriage. It's like nobody wanted to buy christmas presents so instead they all bought rings. It began on Thanksgiving with the engagement of Ian and Erica and Josh and Stephanie. They were soon joined by Robert and Alyssa. I thought this would be the end of it for awhile, however I was wrong. The plague was spreading and Josh Hawn and Jessica were soon engaged to be wed. They were joined by many others whom I did not know exactly but graduated with none-the-less. At our New Years Party we were all gathered around the beer pong table and having a great time when another person was congratulated. I was curious what he had done to receive this congratulations and upon questioning him realized he too had been beaten ruthlessly by the engagement fairy. So now there are only two of us true bachelors left in the old JCUDA (Jay County Underage Drinking Association). The boilermaker and myself however the boilermaker seems to be starting a relationship.
Either way I have been made the best man for most recent engagement. The wedding is in Florida next new years so it will hopefully be a complete reinactment of the hangover only in Florida.