Mood Swings

Everyone goes through certain times, whether its weeks or hours where they just feel like shit. Sometimes it only takes a trip to the weightroom or a funny joke to get you over it but other times it takes time. The other day I was in a bad mood. I was upset because you know who came to talk and I couldn't find the words I wanted to say. But I was trying to think of how to be good in relationships. I realized many women want to be subjugated. Now I'm sure this will come under great dispute but here is my evidence. I have had three relationships that I consider to be legit where feelings were expressed and there was actual commitment. Now in two of these relationships I stayed at a distance and stayed in control. I was there when they wanted me and when they needed me but other than that I kept to myself. Both of these relationships I ended. Now the third I dove in head first and wanted to spend time with this person. I wanted to see them everyday and talk to them all the time. I went to her room and asked her to come to mine. However, the more I committed the more she withdrew. So I believe the best relationship to not be hurt in is one where you don't completely commit. People will follow those who are strong and those who are not equal or beneath them. In my relationship with you know who I made a mistake by giving her control. However, I had never had those feelings for anyone else like I did for her so maybe that is what I need or want in a relationship it just wasn't the right girl. Who knows, this has been a lot of rambling.

If you don't push the limits you will never know them

During the past two days I have read an entire book, not slept, worked out twice, done tons of homework, been an emotional wreck and did I mention I haven't slept in two days. One of the things many people don't know about me is that I have enlarged organs. Everything from my heart to my stomach to my kidneys. They are all too big for my body. I should be 6'3" 220 lbs. This has pros and cons to it. One of the pros is that I'm able to last longer than most everyone else at almost everything, except sex dammit. But anyway, I was going to blog earlier but realized that it would have just been a bitch fest about you know who. So I waited and learned and took from my experiences that everyone has a threshold. Today, after having no sleep and going to classes, I was ready to pass out and take a well deserved nap instead of working out. However, I had made up my mind last night to talk to you know who. The conversation I was wanting to have with you know was filling all my thoughts and as I laid down I realized that this was a perfect chance to test my limits. I was exhausted, emotionally upset, and wanted to talk to you know who. However, I got up, got dressed and went to the weight room to do a rather hard leg workout. So on to the moral of today. Your body is more than just organs and blood and water. That is what your body needs but not what it is. You are emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, etc... When one part of yourself falters and sways your true strength is tested. It is up to the rest of yourself to hold you steady and strong. I was a mental and emotional wreck, however my physical strength hadn't given up on me. I was able to block out the thoughts but pushing myself physically.

Don't give up on yourself. When you feel down and beaten don't give up but see what you can take. There will always be more tests and obstacles to overcome and if you have never attempted to beat them you never will. Life is a test and you don't have to be book smart to pass it. Just push yourself to do more than you have in the past and be more than you were yesterday. Today I am still an emotional wreck because I want you know who, but I am able to overcome that and push my limits in other areas.

BTW I did text you know who and you know who said we could be friends which is like kissing your sister but fuck it with every day brings me one day closer to being whole again.

"Time doesn't heal all wounds, I have the scars to prove it." Me and probably a bunch of other people.
"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive." VanWilder

"Sometimes theres more to life than just livin"

We can blame my lack of blogging on what I like to call a sabbatical to find myself. A little background on the past few months of silence. I met a girl and thought she was grand, kinda fell for her and found out firsthand, it went well for a month or two, then it all came unglued. (yes that is almost the lyrics of "She Fucking Hates Me.") Well she said all the right things and did all the right things, told me I was the one and even told her sister I was the one. She told me she was falling in love with me one drunken night. But then she decided we were moving to fast. Me not wanting to lose "the one" agreed and so our relationship became one of gaining friendship and avoiding sexual encounters. Meaning we stopped fucking every day. But that was perfectly fine with me, I was more than willing to put my libido in park to satisfy this girl and become her friend first. However, October 14th rolls around (this just happens to be our 1 month anniversary) and she decides that she doesn't know what she wants and broke up with me to become friends first. Now I was astonished and broken hearted and completely flattened so I did the one thing I could do to get rid of the pain: I drank myself stupid 3 nights in a row. The first two nights we talked and I realized that I was getting nowhere and that we would eventually become nothing. The third night I had sex with another girl. Now this may seem like the most awful thing I could ever do. However, I was heart-broken and crushed and needed someone to be there and take away the pain. Looking back I realize this may have been the biggest mistake I have ever made. But it may have also been sign. Maybe I wasn't supposed to end up with "the one." She has since found someone else and seems to be moving along just fine. We have stopped talking and for the most part completely ignore each other as best as possible. Her friends, who I thought were also my friends have completely given me the cold shoulder and I find myself alone more than ever.

But enough of the sad, depressing stuff. Lets see what I can make of this mess. Broken heart + fucking another girl = no chance of getting back together with ex. This has event has changed my life. First, always be critical of girls. Don't fall head over heels within a month and become a friend before you ever have sex or make anything official. Second, make sex mean something. If you're just fucking to fuck then it will always come back to hurt you. Besides, if it means anything then it is always better. Third, don't push too hard. If something is meant to be then it will be, if not then it won't. As much as you want to you cannot force fate. Everything happens for a reason and no matter how much it hurts it was meant to happen. Fourth, there is always more to life than simply being. Everyone is a part of something more. Your life has, is, and will affect someone else. You cannot change or avoid it.

This blog is extremely long and I apologize however I have needed to say this to myself for a long time and haven't known the words.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is mysterious." Albert Einstein
"The greatest blunders, like the thickest ropes, are often compounded by a multitude of strands." Victor Hugo

New Updates Available

I haven't blogged in a very long time and I feel like I should have a different first blog than what it used to be. That blog paints a slightly bad picture of myself and I would hate for some people to think of me differently. So this is the first summer in a long time that I haven't spent with her. Its different and I'm not 100% sure i like it. See she was always there and always wanted to be with me and I always found a way to screw it up and now she has a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong I didn't expect her to stay single and if I expected her to always be there then i wouldn't have broken up with her. However, being home makes me think about having a home and wanting her to be in my home, but being at school makes me wanna be a kid and fool around more. But thats an old story.
The Portland Rockets are doing decent this year, I'm pitching well and the team is fun as usual. The Bear just got home and we started our old workouts again. I am in constant pain and agony but love it. Watching the bro is still my only means of employment but I like it cuz he's a cool dude. I am kind of looking forward to going back to school but kind of not cuz then I have to start learning again. The summer life is good this year and easy but I do wish that I had her back again.

"You never know what you have until you have given it up three times." Stupid friend
"Holy shit I totally just made a kid, fuck I knew I shouldn't have had that last beer that one night." Another stupid friend.

What the fuck is happening?

So scratch that last blog, who honestly cares? I should just give up women for questioning one of the things that I'm good at. That's like asking should I keep pitching. Well speaking of pitching the Spartans were in action against the biggest cocksucker team in the nation, aka Anderson. Those fuckholes swept us because we decided to play like absolute dog shit. I closed in two games and blew a save for the loss, fml. That isn't like me. I'm usually a very dominating pitcher against D-3 guys. However, i fucked that one up. Then we were already down 6-0 when I came in the third to give limited relief. We suck. Hopefully every member of the team finds a slump buster tonight and does the riteous thing to get back on track. Personally, I'm drinking myself silly and hitting on some girl with a boyfriend who is twice my size.

Life comes at you in bursts

So for several weeks and maybe even months now I haven't really pursued a member of the opposite sex, nor one of the same sex for that matter. However, within the past several days opportunities have made themselves very available for me. Unfortunately, as soon as slutting becomes easy again I don't feel right doing it. I'm doing great in baseball and my school work is still chugging along and I am feeling more and more like starting a relationship, fml. This is not entirely unlike me however. I tend to change my opinion of sexual encounters as the days go by. There is one girl who I could see liking but she isn't exactly the moral girl you take home to mom. There is another girl who is the moral girl for mother but isn't exactly the right match for me. Then there is the girl from my past. She is perfect for me and I regret every day that I let her go. So my real predicament here is what do I do and who do I do. I'll probably stay the course and bung the ones that are bungable but who knows. I would say fml but many would pay to be in my position. I will probably follow the advice of He who is to be named later because all the children will tell me to bung away.

This blog is primarily rambling and I don't mind. Thoughts are jumbled in your brain and its easier to dump them all out and go over them later than figure them out in your head.

News from the Spartan Athletic Desk

The mighty Spartans went to Texas this past week and got royally ass fucked by Texas flamethrowers. We showed up expecting another successful spring trip only to get beat in 12 innings game one 7-6 and slaughtered by the same team day 2 20-7. Fuck us right. Well our spirits were still high even though we lost purely from errors. Texas teams live and die by the fastball but they can mash the shit out of a fastball. Luckily, the might Spartans averaged 5 errors a game and didn't hit anything above 85 mph. We went into day three against a different team again wanting to dominate. We had our ace on the mound and high hopes of a victory. However, the errors continued and the pitching plummeted and we lost 10-7. Day 4 we traveled to the big D and with the change of scenery and surroundings we wanted and needed a victory. C-Mall jumped on the bump and started us out fabulously. We had a 6-3 lead going into the 7th and then yours truly came to take the ball. I finished strong allowing one hit and one run, however they were both in the 7th and it wasn't my run. He was left on base by Mallery. I completed the game for the save and the mighty Spartans came home victorious.

Chapter 5 of the future book:
You can f%$* the fat ones, you can f#@$ the ugly ones, but you cannot f&%* the fat, ugly ones.

And for Sir He Is To Be Named At A Later Point, different area codes and no commitment allows you to have an open and completely fun relationship to the point where you don't hurt yourself. It is like a test drive that allows you to truly see the best sides of both people and you can decide after you gather all necessary information which one is worth you. Best of luck bro.