Damn its cold...

I was building the worlds greatest dog house for the worlds greatest German Shepherd when I got to thinking about people from different regions of the United States, in particularly people from Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Ohio. I will begin my extremely accurate and detailed analysis of these states with Wisconsin and Minnesota. I have traveled all over Europe with several people from these states. Also, I have several acquaintances from there. It seems that I only am with these people during cold months. While in Europe it was January, the other friends it was Christmas. I love how these people react when someone makes a comment about the weather, especially the cold here in Indiana. For instance, I would walk in from the freezing cold and say "brrr it is cold outside" probably because it was 10 degrees. Every one of them would respond with a similar response such as, "Cold, its like summer outside. In (enter city of your choice from either state here) it would be -9000 degrees with 89 ft of snow." First off, it obviously isn't that cold in the summer there. Second, it is still cold here and nobody compared it to your god forsaken state. Third, obviously its going to be cold you're the northern most state in the Union and you're right on the fucking lakes. I feel like nobody from Wisconsin or Minnesota have done anything spectacular with their lives so they can only brag about their awful winters and miserable living conditions throughout the cold months. There is another state with terrible winters nearby and it is Michigan. However, Michigan people realize that yes it is Michigan and it will be cold in the winter and everyone knows it is cold so therefore they do not have to compare their piece of shit state with others. If we gave Wisconsin and Minnesota to Canada everyone would benefit. They would bitch about the cold and their fellow Canadians would simply say, "yeah its Canada eh, you're the Florida of Canada eh, quit bitching eh." So they would then have to grow up and find something else to brag about. And possibly the greatest thing to happen would be the loss of Brett Favre to Canada.

Next subject is Ohio. Ohio State fans are douche bags. Everyone from Ohio gets off when Ohio State wins. Furthermore, nobody can ever talk about their favorite university in the presence of an Ohio State fan. You will never win an argument about your school. Every Ohio State fan knows every fact and figure about Ohio State. It legitimately is their porn that they get off to every night. I have, however, found one statement that will eliminate the smiles from most Fuckeyes. Just change your conversation to something with the SEC. They will forever be reminded of their continual defeats by that conference and may even cry.

"Two condoms walk into a bar, they immediately see that it is a gay bar so one looks to the other and says 'looks like we're getting shitfaced tonight.'" Classic from the pig breeder.

Blondes, Brunettes and Red-heads

I have spent my entire life chasing brunettes. I always thought that blondes were just for fun and brunettes are there to marry. However, after being continually let down by brunettes and only having one experience with a blonde I have decided to turn the page on brunettes and jump on the blonde bandwagon. It will be a nice change of pace. Blonde's offer a completely different range of experiences. First, everyone knows they are better in bed. So I am willing to explore a new wide range of sexual exploits. Furthermore, blondes will naturally achieve more in life based solely off their good looks. If you can find a blonde that is intelligent and can cook then she is the perfect woman.
I know what you're thinking, brunettes can pull off the sexy librarian and that behind closed doors freak. But I have experienced that girl and wish to expand my horizons and go for the blondes. Now as far as red-heads my only advice is stay clear. They are mean and crazy. Many have some sort of disability that requires them to be complete bitches.
So I have made up my mind, I will be pursuing blondes. That is until a sexy brunette gives me that special look that says, "I swallow" then I'll be back to brunettes.

"Bitches will be bitches, hoes will be hoes, but nothing will be as pretty as a perfect corn row," The Boilermaker speaking of actual corn rows not the hair style.

Just Wing It

I was having a conversation today with the phoenix (it took quite awhile to come up with that nickname) and realized that I really live my life by the saying, "just wing it." Life is too short to spend it stressing out and worrying about the future. So to combat this I have decided to let life do life and I'm gonna do me. The old Navy dawg still brings up a saying that I quoted to him the day of his graduation party, "don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." And we have to bring up the brilliant quote by the Stifmaister, "live life, get paid, then get laid." Basically, the point of this blog is to get people to relax during the summer months and throughout your entire lives. You can only do so much and the rest will just take care of yourself. And trust me life won't end if you don't perform everything perfectly for everyone. Fuck it, its just life.

"Nobody lives forever"
"You're only as young as the women you feel" the Quaterback

Random peoples problems

So I'm sitting here at handjobs house and after a decent conversation with someone completely random from his instant message account I have come to the conclusion that nobody is happy with their life except me. Everyone has problems and love to bitch about them. However, I am completely content with not giving a shit about things. They complain about their bfs or gfs or ex-fiancees. It is easier to just get a dog or beat random children you see in Walmart. Or better yet order the perfect woman to fulfill all fantasies and then put in the lawn shed until your next fantastic moment. But some people live life from one disappointment to the next but I prefer living beer to beer or vagina to vagina. Life is too short to fill it with hardships. The largest hardship in most peoples lives is unfortunately relationships. I have seen through much observation that people say "I love you" then say "I actually love him more." But fuck it, its just life right (first time i've actually used the title of this blog in an actual blog). So buy a dog or a significant other. Well I'm tired and can not continue this blog do to a lack of ambition.

"The key to happiness is enthusiasm" Dove chocolate quote
"Get paid, get laid, then die, its that easy" Duck hunt

P.S. a marine sniper just called and said he saw my ridiculously outrageous duck hunt score and asked me to train his men.

The beauty of an honest world

The Rockets were in action today and after many insults and put-downs I realized that honesty rocks. Several faithful Rockets commended me for my honesty today after comments such as, "I would rather have a bag of sand play third than you cuz at least I know it will keep a few balls in the infield," and "wow, that could have been the least productive at-bat I've ever seen, striking out to end the game takes considerable skill not to commit suicide after doing it." While some call it mean I call it brutal honesty. Everyone is thinking it and it takes a real friend to put it out there. I appreciate the person who has the balls to actually speak the truth and for those who do you will actually be greatly surprised by the responses. For instance, if a girl asks if she is fat and you say "you were fat 35 pounds ago" I guarantee that someone will laugh at that but most importantly she will realize her bulk and hopefully begin doing something about it and maybe get back into shape. By telling her she is fat you have possibly added 10 years to her life and made her much happier in the end. I like being honest because lies only come back to bite you. So if you live your life by being completely honest you will be rewarded by 70 virgins in the afterlife. I figure if it works for the Muslims it should work for atheists as well.

"The truth shall set you free, unless you tell the truth about killing someone then it will probably land you in prison." Bulldawg

"O how the world turns... Mail order bride from Russia...Ahh what the hell I'll check EBay"

I previously decided I wanted to marry a stripper but have recently decided to amend that decision and ORDER a stripper. Or at least someone with stripper potential. For those not up to date with mail order brides, they are practically modern day sex slaves. Women from foreign countries wish to enter the United States permanently. They desire this so much that they will allow themselves to be ordered from a male to be married to them. You can then put this ordered bride in the closet or work shed for storage until the desired moment. Many don't speak english either so they can't even call the cops on you. Its the perfect relationship.

After almost 35 seconds of research I have found what I believe to be the perfect site. http://www.charmingbrides.com/ I have also decided upon the perfect girl(s). Her name is Anna and Julia and Anastasiya and Marina. They are all Russian and they are all very beautiful. I also appreciate this site http://findherinrussia.com/. These chicks are all gorgeous and make me wonder why everyone doesn't just import a bride from Russia. I never knew how easy it would be to actually order a bride. These sites are kind of insane. But I have definitely found the future love of my life. Her name is Marina, she is 26, 5'10", 121 lbs and from Moscow, Russia. She is a tennis playing, non-smoking Leo with a passion for art, traveling and sports. And I believe that I am the perfect man for her. She requires someone under 40 years old who is understanding, serious, smart and has a sense of humor. I believe I will order her personal telephone number and have very long and serious conversations with her. And possibly someday we will grow close enough to scare me away that I will be forced to divorce her and order a new one named Julia.

"Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."

Fat chicks hiding behind their extremely hot friends

So I was cruising through facebook today and saw several pictures on the home page of several very attractive girls. I knew the names of the girls and knew that they didn't use to look like that. So naturally I was intrigued only to find out that these few girls were still whales and merely put pictures of their hot friends to make themselves seem more attractive. The funny part of these pictures is that the fat, ugly friend was in each of them but whoever took the picture clearly didn't mean for them to take up much of the frame. The hot chick was front and center and it typically went to the chest (obviously a male photographer and we all thank him). The ugly and fat girl was usually in the lower right hand corner and it had only a face of her smiling. Pictures like these is how ugly girls get blind dates. Their gorgeous friends would distract the poor soul who was being conned into dating this small pick up truck. Its the perfect crime, and it should be punishable.

This brings me to my second thought. Why is it that hot girls always hang around ugly girls? Is it to make themselves look better? Or is it because hot chicks don't like other hot chicks cuz they are afraid the hot friend is hotter than they are? Either way its shitty to put a picture of your hot friend on your facebook profile to make yourself look better when you are actually a whale of a woman. Just admit it. Maybe if you finally realize that you are a small aircraft carrier then you will lay off the enormous amounts of alcohol and greasy cheeseburgers and late night twinkies. Either way you can not hide behind your small gorgeous friend, and it is merely because you couldn't hide behind a garden shed due to your enormous hips.

Due to the weather:
"It's hotter than a whorehouse on nickel night." Beandip